To the Eldest Daughters — You’re Allowed to Rest Too

Why do eldest daughters feel so guilty when they rest? Why does choosing themselves even in the smallest way, feel so heavy? I’ve asked these questions countless times — because as an eldest daughter, I struggled with this too. And I know I’m not alone. So, for the eldest daughters, who carries guilt simply for putting herself first, this one is for you.

From a very young age, eldest daughters, often step into the role of ‘mini parents’ — not just for their siblings, but sometimes also for their cousins. They babysit, mediate conflicts and quietly carry the emotional weight of the family. Culturally daughters are already expected to be patient, nurturing and responsible, and for the eldest, those expectations multiply. They learn to put others first often at their expense of themselves just to make life easier for everyone around them. Somewhere along the way their childhood innocence gets traded for responsibility and they grow up faster than their peers. Parents too unknowingly set higher expectations, and the eldest becomes the test subject for parenting. And because she sacrifices without complaint, she is praised as the ‘strong one’ the ‘adjusting one’, the natural caretaker. Slowly this conditioning takes root: selflessness becomes her identity, and the idea of prioritizing herself feels like selfishness. 

Eldest daughters often grow up anxious, constantly scanning the room and reading too much into everyone’s emotions, convinced they’re responsible for keeping the peace. This mindset follows them into friendships and relationships, where people-pleasing becomes another nature. They ignore their own emotions feelings, pushing them aside to keep performing for others. Overtime their brain equates selflessness with love and views selfcare as betrayal. That’s why even the smallest act of choosing themselves brings guilt — it feels unfamiliar almost wrong. Their worth becomes tied to productivity, achievements or how much they can give which is why rest feels like laziness. They become their own harshest critics living with an unspoken belief: “If I’m not holding it together, I am failing.” Hyper- responsibility, convinces them that prioritizing themselves is the same as abandoning their family, and so they keep striving to meet expectations that never end.

But here’s the truth: Love was never meant to be conditional. You don’t have to shrink yourself to be loved, hide your emotions to be accepted or keep giving just to belong. I know sometimes the realization feels late — you regret choices, wish you could undo the past and maybe even resent yourself for not showing up for you. But trust me it’s never too late. It’s never too late to put yourself first. To set boundaries. To ask for help. To make choices that are truly yours. Responsibility doesn’t mean carrying everyone else’s burdens. You are not accountable for how other perceive your words. You are allowed to share load. You are allowed to take up space. And when guilt shows up, pause and ask: “Am I doing something wrong—or is it just unfamiliar?”. Reparent your inner child by giving her the freedom she missed — resting without shame, being carefree and enjoying little things without judgement. Practice saying no, even if its uncomfortable. If your choices hurt others remember — it’s not your responsibility to fix their feeling. You are more than the ‘strong one’ or the ‘responsible one’. You can choose a new identity — the creative one, joyful one, the free one. Remind yourself daily that you deserve rest, happiness all good things life has to offer. Be compassionate with yourself. Care for others without abandoning yourself. And remember — the world won’t collapse just because you paused. 

To the eldest daughters who didn’t get to be children for long, who inherited her father’s anger, who overachieves, who learned to stand up for herself — to the oldest daughter who became her own protector, who is still standing tall, still brave, still working on herself with grace and strength: I see you. I hear you. You are precious. You are extraordinary. You make the world warmer simply by existing. 

With love, 

An eldest daughter