Why Comparing Children Does More Harm Than Good

Dr Agalya Umapathy

The greatest gift you can give your child is to see them, accept them, and love them or who they are, not who you expect them to be.- Oprah Winfrey

Comparing children to others is a very common thing parents do. It’s either comparing them to other kids at school, siblings, cousins or neighbours. When the child does not live up to the parent’s expectations, they are often compared to someone else. It might be academics, sports, or anything, thinking that would help the child get better, however, it is doing the exact opposite. The child believes that they are not good enough as their peers, and lose their confidence, and show up anxious, and doubtful.

Love becomes conditional here. When parents fail to accept their child for who they are, these children believe they do not deserve love. They grow up believing that they cannot be loved for who they are, and always have to give something in return, to be loved. This leads to pleasing others at their expense, fear of failure, struggle saying no, and unable to acknowledge their own worth. By not knowing their worth, they tolerate disrespect and believe they don’t deserve anything good, and that they will never be good enough.

They struggle to express their opinions, develop anxiety, stress and find it difficult to accept themselves. Yes, a comparison that parents often forget, is vividly engraved into a child’s mind, which later leads to them resenting their parents as well. When they become adults, they will develop the habit of constantly comparing themselves with others and feel bad about themselves.

This is why, it is significant to appreciate your child, instead of setting unrealistic expectations in exchange for love. Applaud their efforts, instead of the results. Encourage them to focus on personal growth, spend time with them, give them your attention, and teach them self-worth. Create an environment for your children, where they are accepted and encouraged, this will help them grow into secure, confident individuals who will love themselves for who they are. Show them that you love them unconditionally through your words and actions.