How I Lost Myself Trying to be Liked and Found Peace When I Stopped

Have you ever said yes, when every part of you wanted to say no? I have — countless times. I used to value other’s opinions so much, that I’d go out of my way to make them feel comfortable, even when I felt exhausted. Even when I needed rest the most, I ignored my own needs just to be there for others, only to be disrespected, looked down, and treated like I didn’t matter. I was afraid to offend people by prioritizing myself. I wanted to belong. I wanted to be loved. There were times, where I put myself first, but I would still overthink what others might think. I’d overexplain, hoping they’d understand, because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. But little did I know that I was disappointing the one person who mattered the most, myself.

It took me long to realise that the very people, I was seeking validation from, never truly respected me or my decisions. They didn’t care how I felt, and the more I tolerated, the more they took advantage of me. I later understood that I was conditioned to people please from a very young age. “What will they think” was always in the back of my mind, so I kept compromising. I believed that to build or maintain a relationship I had to tolerate disrespect, but any relationship that lacks trust and mutual respect eventually fall apart. I began to resent people for treating me that way, but more than that, I resented myself for letting it happen again and again. It took a toll on both my physical and emotional well-being. 

Finally, I said no and I meant it. I started taking my boundaries seriously I stopped worrying about losing people and started paying attention to what I wanted — my interests, my needs, my voice. I focused completely on myself, and external validation did not excite me anymore. I began discovering who I really was — how I think, how I feel, how I see the world. I slowly erased the outdated beliefs, and stopped seeing myself through other people’s perception. Now I can work towards my dreams with a clear mind, I feel more confident and comfortable expressing myself. And with time, I hear my voice clearer while the rest is starting to fade. I am still learning through experience, and while the guilt for choosing myself still shows up sometimes, I don’t let it stay as long as it used to.

The reason I shared my story is because I know how draining it feels to always put others first, to be accepted in return. You are not wrong for wanting to be liked, that makes you human. But you should be loved and respected for who you are without you having to shrink yourself.  You don’t need anyone’s approval to be enough, you already are.