Licence to Let Go

Watching a friend of mine drive her car so effortlessly was incentive enough to get me upbeat about being behind the wheel myself. Instantly (for patience wasn’t quite my forte), I decide to master the ABC (accelerator, brake, clutch) of driving! When I shared my eagerness to learn driving with my best friend, my darling husband, he supported my intent, though a trifle hesitantly. He knows his better half better, that she is all at sea when it comes to the road! But never one to deter a desire to learn, he gave me the “go ahead”!

As luck would have it, there was this dear old man living nearby, the owner of a driving school. What more could I have asked for! It seemed to me that the entire universe was conspiring to aid my ambition; and so, one fine evening, on returning from work, I found myself ready to start my driving lessons, my two small sons in tow, they at the back and me with my dear thaatha, in front at the wheel!

In three weeks, I would be a full-fledged driver, having mastered effectively the efficient use of the ABC! To add to my elation was thaatha’s reassurance, each time he had to step on the other set of brakes at his feet, that everyone who learnt driving under his tutelage was zipping around town in their cars. That was more than enough for me for I don’t need much to keep my spirits up, you see!

But what dear thaatha didn’t know about his ward was that her bold face belied her next to nervous heart. How was he to know that I would jump out of my skin (and car) if someone as much as honked; or that vehicles and roads were actually never my thing!

I remember a time, aeons ago, when I leant to ride the bicycle. Scared as I was, I was able to convince mummy dearest to allow me take the cycle on my own. Cycling from my house to the road was a breeze, if you knew my hometown of long ago, well, sighting a car on its roads was a rarity, nay, a novelty! With the wind in my hair, off I went, gingerly at first, but gathering momentum as my confidence grew despite the ‘slalomish’ gait of my cycle! Whistling merrily, more to quell the pounding of my heart, I rode on a little while longer when, to my horror, I spotted a bullock cart, plodding towards me, at the far end of that long road. Gone was the euphoria I felt when the road was all mine, and before I knew it, down came cycle and yours truly with an unceremonious thud, on the ground! Imagine falling for a bullock cart 400 meters away! To this day I am a nervous wreck on the road. That being said, let’s cut to the chase…

My three terrific weeks whizzed past and shortly after, thaatha presented me with my driver’s license! My joy knew no bounds! I think I walked taller too with my driving license in my handbag! I couldn’t wait to demonstrate my newly acquired driving prowess to my darling husband and children.

Returning from Church that Sunday morning, I asked my husband to take the by-lane to our locality so that I could test my driving skills. My darling boys, having been witness to my driving lessons, weren’t all that excited about me taking the wheel in the absence of another pair of brakes! But determined was I (maybe to prove to myself if nothing else), and so my husband and I switched seats – me behind the wheel!

“Are you guys ready for take-off”, I said, sounding as nonchalantly as possible. Going through the motions, I inserted the key, set the gear to neutral, released the clutch as I stepped on the accelerator… but far from roaring down the road, like I envisioned I would, the car simply spluttered, shook, and stayed put! Have you ever felt the fine blade of the double-edged sword of shock and shame at the same time!

For days after that I walked around with a war raging inside of me – emotions of embarrassment, sadness, anger – were all in overdrive.  My darling best friend did his best to assuage the bitter disappointment searing my insides. Hurting and humiliated, I directed my indignation upon God.  He is my all-time punching bag, my timely help, my go-to-guy for anything, anytime. My heart wrestled with Him crying out “why God, why!”  But no answer was forthcoming.  I guess He wanted to see how long I would wallow in self-pity, and so simply let me be, for a time. That God meets us where we are at, cannot be farther from the truth. For right in the midst of my mental conflict, God suddenly stepped in and said – and make no mistake, you will definitely know when God is speaking to you – “Becky, I want those people on the road coming opposite you, to live a little longer!” In that very moment the pall of gloom that had enshrouded me, mysteriously evaporated.

God’s wit provided me the wisdom to delve deep into myself and learn to accept and embrace my limitations. My nervous nature can be detrimental to more than just me. Thereafter, there was no turning back. I enjoy gracing the passenger seat in cars, auto rides, or simply using my feet!  I realized that day the essence of Khalil Gibran’s “knowledge of self is the mother of all knowledge.”

(Betty D’Couto is the former Head, PG & Research Centre of English, Lady Doak College. She taught there for 35 years.)